Common Girl Stuff

Every now and then I'll slowly get into this funk that happens to most of us girls. I'll start to look at myself in the mirror more, spend more time focusing on what can be improved, and then slowly just sink into unhappiness with the way that I look. I start thinking, "I should really start a stricter diet" or "I should do more cardio". It's funny because last year at this time, I was ten pounds heavier than I am now, ate whatever I wanted, and exercised only twice a week and that was only at dance practice. Back then these days were rare. Ever since I started cheer practices this year, these days have become more and more frequent. At the beginning of the season I was the heaviest flyer. I have it in my mind that I was the "fat flyer", although I know that makes no sense because if I was actually fat, Coach wouldn't have made me a flyer. Once you get something like this in your mind though, the devil takes a hold of it and makes it grow. He makes me think that I am huge compared to the other girls on my team. He makes me think that I'm overweight. Logically, I know that this is unreasonable. I eat healthy (with a few too many desserts sometimes) and work out five days a week on top of cheer practices. I wear size small clothing and size 3 jeans at the largest. I'm continually told that I'm "tiny", "little", or my favorite "you're a little person!!" hahah. But somehow he still gets to me. It's getting worse. Today I found myself subconsciously considering crash diets before I caught myself. That's when I knew that the devil had too much of a hold on me. That's why I'm writing this. I need to put it in writing. I need to confess it to other living beings. I don't need someone to sit there and tell me, "Kaitlyn you're not fat! You're being stupid". I just need to get this out, to have a listener. I know that God will get me through this. He wins the battle and I'm on his side. I need to look towards him every time I feel fat. I need to realize that I can't fight the devil on my own. I need to realize that God made me, and that means I'm beautiful. Sometimes it just takes some convincing. 

SB 2K11

such a great week

Life Changing

Everyone read Heaven is For Real. Seriously, read it.

Five

I’m ready for more of this. 

10  9  8  7  6 5 4 3 2 ADVENTURE.

Officially Old

Two of my friends just got engaged.

Patricia

KAITLYN: Yooo
TRICIA: Hookup
TRICIA: F*** auto correct
TRICIA: It knows me too well
TRICIA: It was supposed to say hiiiii


I love this girl.

I read this before I go to sleep.

Psalm 143

A psalm of David.

 ¹ LORD, hear my prayer,
   listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
   come to my relief. ² Do not bring your servant into judgment,
   for no one living is righteous before you. ³ The enemy pursues me,
   he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
   like those long dead. ⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;
   my heart within me is dismayed. ⁵ I remember the days of long ago;
   I meditate on all your works
   and consider what your hands have done. ⁶ I spread out my hands to you;
   I thirst for you like a parched land.^[a]

 ⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;
   my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
   or I will be like those who go down to the pit. ⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life. ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
   for I hide myself in you. ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
   for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
   lead me on level ground.

 ¹¹ For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
   in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. ¹² In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
   destroy all my foes,
   for I am your servant.

James 1:2; Philippians 3:8; 1 Thessalonians 2:4; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

I've got a confession to make. I'm a mess. I've been a mess ever since we got back from Chattanooga. I'm hiding this from you because you're such a good person and I want this to work. But I've been on the brink of tears everyday. I cried yesterday driving to church. I cried today talking to my friend from home. I'm crying as I write this. I don't cry. It's very rare.

You've done so much for me, and you'll never really realize how much that means. You've showed me there is such a thing as a good guy. That I can trust someone. People may let you down in little areas, but when someone really cares about me, I'm allowed to trust them. I trust you with my life (figuratively and literally). I've had so much fun with you. But that's not going to change. I won't let it. I want to still be able to have fun with you.

I want you to know how much I care about you. I want you to know that I'm not going to lose you. I don't want to. We may have to be no more than friends, but I want you to be my best friend. I want to be able to have inside jokes. I want to be able to tickle you and make stupid faces. I want to share laughs and problems. I want to be friends in 20 years. I want to tease you about your Star Wars books, your laugh, and your stupid tags. I want you to make fun of my height, and how I never make sense, and how I can't concentrate on one thing for more than two seconds. I want to be close to you, I just can't be this close. I can't be like this and not be able to share half my life with you. We don't see eye to eye. I can't be the person that I need to be when I'm living a life that's divided. Who knows where our future is going, but I want you to know that I love you and I don't want to hurt you. I want you to know how much I wanted this to work out.

This is killing me. I want you to understand.

Let's talk about the weather.

It was a perfect day for a thunderstorm. The kind of day that starts out warm and sunny and then all of a sudden it's dark, the temperature drops, and the wind picks up. Your hair starts blowing into your face and you don't even try to keep it under control because you know it's about to storm. But it's okay. It's one of those days that it's just supposed to rain. 

Small Group

Last night at small group we started off talking about "togetherness" and "community". Shannon read a quote about how Christian community shouldn't happen because of loneliness, but it happens because we need a place to share our wounds. We need people to help our wounds heal . People who won't turn away from us because of what we've done because they know who we really are. One by one, we all ended up coming clean of our deepest secrets. Wounds that have been eating away at us and dragging us down. Some things that were confessed last night had never been confessed to anyone before. It was amazing to see everyone open up and everyone cry. It was such a healing experience, I'd never experienced something like that before. It was amazing. God is so good and I'm so glad he put these girls into my life. After last night I feel like confessing to these girls lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. I don't have to pretend to be perfect anymore. They know that I'm not and they still love me. In fact I found that two other girls in my group had almost the same exact story as me. I am not alone. WE are not alone. That is a great feeling. Thank you Lord for giving me these girls to grow with.

Sororities

It's time for a little bit of venting. Sororities are absolutely ridiculous. Think about it. Girls sign up and pay money to go through "rushing" in which they visit various sorority houses and then are judged based off of their looks and as much of their personality as the sorority members can find out in a half hour. If you don't seem to fit their "type" you're "dropped" and can't continue to pursue that sorority. If you're dropped from all of them, or all of your top choices then you're screwed. I've seen girls lose so much confidence just because they didn't get into the sorority they want to be in. They start to find imperfections they've never thought of before. They break themselves down. If you do end up winning the friendship contest and make it into a sorority then you have an automatic group of girls who you're required to like. You may actually hate these girls, but you're now "sisters" and at least pretend to like each other. You do everything together. I even have some friends who are getting physically ill because of how late they are required to stay at the sorority house every night doing secret stuff (that they're not allowed to really talk about). You also pay large amounts of money to acquire these friends and then are forced to kiss up to the older girls by decorating their doors, paying them visits, and buying them presents. Once you're officially accepted into the sorority your "big (sister)" gets you insanely drunk. The worst part is that people look forward to this night. The other day one of my friends said this exact sentence, "I'm going to diieee after initiation. I heard that last year only two of the girls didn't puke. I'm so excited." ....Excuse me? Yeah. Sounds exciting. On top of everything else the sororities pit their girls against each other. This is a problem for pre-existing friends who now enjoy to talk about each other behind their backs. Living in an all-girls dorm,  I've heard this happen countless times a day for the past two weeks. Its annoying to hear someone say things like, " _____ is so annoying. I can't stand to be around her. Her and the rest of ______ are all crazy. They're like a cult." Then they go and hang out with the girl and act like they're best friends. It's absolutely ridiculous. This whole thing is just ridiculous and everyone just seems to think it's completely normal. Take a step back and look at it. It's crazy.

Sleep Paralysis

Possibly one of the most terrifying things ever happened to me last night. My roommate has had this cough for like a week now, but last night she started having an especially bad coughing fit around 3 AM. At about 3:30 I got out of bed to get my ipod and listened to that for the next 45 minutes trying to drown her out. Finally she fell asleep but I was wide awake. around 5 I started falling asleep, but as I did I guess my body fell asleep and my mind didn't. I was literally paralyzed. All I could move was my toes. I fought so hard just to say my roommates name, but my teeth would only move a centimeter apart and no sound would come out. I could hear this buzzing noise that sounded like hundreds of people talking at the same time but I couldn't understand anything they were saying. After probably the longest ten seconds of my life I was able to mutter "Jenny". It was barely audible but it broke the spell and I was able to move again. Jenny didn't wake up. So I got out of bed and called my mom to see if I was dying, she told me to go back to sleep hahah. I googled "sleep paralysis" which I had remembered learning about in psychology junior year and realized that was exactly what was happening to me. The part I had never heard about in psychology was that some people believe that this happens because your soul hasn't returned to your body yet. These people weren't ancient Greeks either, they were mentioning God and his angels. I didn't really know if I believed that or not (and I still don't). Probably not, because I could still think I just couldn't move. But I got back into bed and read for about an hour. Around 6:30 I finally decided to go to sleep again. This time I woke up about a half hour later and as I was waking up, it happened again. The humming, the not being able to move. I was calmer this time, but it also lasted longer. Even though I knew what it was, I was still terrified. The feeling of just not being able to move, to be completely helpless. I snapped out of it again and fell back asleep. Needless to say, I skipped my 9:25 this morning and woke up at 11 making it a three day weekend for myself.

Death By Camera

I miss my friends.

Action.

Sometimes there's just something you really want to do. You know that it'd be the right thing to do if you're going by the books but every time you get the chance to do it, you back out. Your feelings change. You feel guilty and think, "I should really end this." Even though what you're doing isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just makes things harder for you. But what happens when you're not strong enough? Do you give in or finally end it? It will have to end sometime, so why can't I just make it be now? How come every time I come within ten feet of you everything suddenly seems okay. I mean, Jesus didn't really do things by the books either, right? God had to give me these feelings for a reason. Did he give me these feelings? I'm so confused. I know that he brought you into my life for a reason, but you don't see that. Because you don't see him. And now I just don't know what to do. 

Random Thoughts

I like nightgowns. Especially with ridiculous sayings on them. I like friendship and forgiveness. I hope this lasts. I don't know if it was a one night stand sort of thing. Can friendship be a one night stand? Once you stop looking for something you find it. But I guess that's wrong. Once you stop caring about some things, then some things come naturally. I guess that's more accurate. Age is a state of mind. If you play then you're young and if you sit around and say "wow I'm so old" then you're old. It doesn't matter how many years you've been on this earth. I know none of this makes sense. Forgive me.

BFA

The pictures and pieces I create are necessary to be able to explain myself. Words aren’t enough to fully show the way an emotion or a situation makes me feel. Words seem to always fall short or just be hidden on the tip of my tongue. Words are forgetful. Because my art is so connected to the inner workings of my mind, much of it is left unexplained to the viewer. This sense of mystery becomes intriguing to the viewer and they start to form their own explanations for it. They apply my pictures to their own lives. The viewers may realize that a picture I’ve made perfectly describes an experience in their own lives, even if it is completely different experience than the one that originally inspired the piece. That’s what I want to happen. I don’t want people to see my work from my eyes, but from their own. I make my art as an expression of my thoughts and experiences, as a way to sort out my thoughts and help me through situations. I want it to do the same thing for the viewer. I want my art to be so relatable that each person who comes across it can make his or her own personal connection to the work. I want the viewers to be able to feel like its their own, that every piece was made especially for them and is about their lives, instead of being about my life. The actual process of making my art is for me, but once my work is finished I want it to be for someone else. 

Trains

There's something about trains, especially at night, that just makes me content. There's really no other word for it. I love when a train passes and and I'm walking along by myself and it's cold out and it's nighttime. I really have no explanation for it. It just calms me. Maybe it's because I associate the train with magical childhood wishes -- ie. the train from the "Polar Express" or the train that takes the students to Hogwarts. There's so many different ways that magical beings could transport themselves, but for some reason they stick to the old ways, ways that us non-magical beings rarely even use anymore. Or maybe it's because I love to think about where the people on it are going. Who they are. I make up stories in my head. Some are of course on business, but then some are going to see old friends, find true love, or even just escape. I haven't actually been on a train for years (not counting the metro or the subway), but when I was little we used to travel by train all the time. I really only remember one encounter, I'm not really even sure if it is real or if over time my thoughts became memories. I was at a train station and I was walking with my Aunt. My Aunt is the type of person who likes to walk slow and look at every little thing and point out the obvious. The kind of thing you appreciate as a child, but once you're an adult it becomes slightly annoying because you've already realized the obvious. Anyway, I was probably about three, so her conversation was still highly intriguing. I remember us watching a big blackish-gray old fashioned type train pull away and there was two young adults, maybe even teenagers waving good-bye to each other. I can't even remember which one was actually on the train, I think it was the boy. Anyway they both made the "love" sign at each other (you know, the one that kind of looks like the "rock 'n roll" sign?). My Aunt explained to me that it meant love, and that they must love each other dearly and have to leave each other for some reason. Although it feels awfully real,  I don't even know if that moment actually exists. I can picture it though. Two young loves separated by work or college getting the time to visit but then having to leave. I wonder if they were good for each other. I wonder if they made it.

Brown Eyed Girl

(I'm sorry but thoughts just keep coming tonight)

I've always wanted blue eyes, or gray, or even violet. Basically just anything besides brown. My grandpa, who very rarely talked, used to sing the song "Brown Eyed Girl" to me because he loved my brown eyes and knew that I didn't like them (even when I was little). I liked having brown eyes because he could sing that song to me, but I never actually liked having brown eyes. I've had people over the years tell me that they loved brown eyes, my eyes, but I never really appreciated them. Today I looked in the mirror and really liked my eyes. I loved the color, the darkness. I've never loved or even liked the way my eyes looked until tonight.

God doesn't do anything by mistake.

Christmas Time (In Review)

<3

Dear (Other) You,

I've spent this break obsessing over you and what's happening between us. Whether our silence will be broken and we'll be able to resume our friendship. There is nothing more that I can do on my part, so seeing as everything is (and has been) relying on you to make the next move, I am moving on. I will learn to forget. I already forgive you and hope that in a year from now (or even a month) we can sit next to each other joking and making fun of each other as we once did. I just don't see that coming anytime soon. So as I head back to school, I'm giving it all to God and forgetting. I'll still be praying, but that's all I'm going to let myself do. Until you're ready this is the end. I am making a new beginning as of this post. From now on you will no longer invade my thoughts. I sincerely hope everything works out in your life and between us.

Always, 

Kaitlyn 

Two days.

Do you ever feel like there's just too many thoughts running through your mind? Too many things that you want to accomplish. Too many things you want to say. You want to fix everything, you want to have fun, you want to cry, you want to enjoy life. You just want everything all at once, but since that isn't possible, you just end up doing absolutely nothing. You spend your time thinking instead of acting. You spend your time relaxing instead of doing. It's not a bad thing, it needs to happen sometimes. But then you slowly start running out of time and you can't possibly get everything said, done, and fixed while enjoying every moment. 

1

I've come across a lot of profound thoughts today. I guess that's what happens when you listen. That's one of my New Years resolutions. To listen more. I guess this blog defeats the purpose of listening, but you have to sort your thoughts somewhere, right?
I woke up today and read from Captivating again. It started off  being about friendship.

"It is here in the realm of friendship, that women receive the most joy and the profoundest sorrows...There is a fierce jealousy, a fiery devotion, and a great loyalty between women friends. Our friendships flow in the deep waters of the heart where God dwells and transformation takes place. It is here, in this holy place, that a woman can partner with God in impacting another and be impacted by another for lasting good...To have a woman friend is to relax into another soul and be welcomed in all that you are and all that you aren't. To know that as a woman, you are not alone...Friendship is a great gift. One to be prayed for and not taken for granted...When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart...Friendships need to be nurtured and guarded and fought for. We need to call one another without waiting to be called first. We need to ask how our friends are doing and really listen to their answers. Listen between the lines. We love our friends by pursuing them -- call, little presents, cards, invitations to play, to go for a walk, to go to a movie. We offer our hearts...We need each other. God knows that. He will help us. We have only to ask and surrender, to wait, to hope, and in faith to love. "

I'm so lucky to have the friends that I do. Even just sitting around watching a movie or playing guitar, I can feel the love between us. I don't know who I'd be if God hadn't put these people in my life. I love them more than words can express. I hate losing friends, especially good ones. I hate fighting or even just uneasiness between a friend and myself.  I want to fix things. I want to laugh and enjoy and love.

2

There's another passage I came across. It's written by C.S. Lewis. I've heard the first sentence of the quote before, but never the entire thing. It's funny, because I'd always agreed with the first sentence, but once I read the entire passage it changed my opinion.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell."

I agree with the first sentence, but I no longer think about it in the way that we have to be careful of who we love. God loves everyone, so shouldn't we? Are we not bringing Hell in between us and another person if we don't show them love and compassion no matter what our situation or past is? Love everyone. Be vulnerable. We're taught to be independent and strong, not vulnerable. Well God calls us to rebellion. Rebel. Show yourself, show love, show your vulnerability.

3

Lastly I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" with my Mother and Nana. Mostly just to spend time with them, I had no interest in actually watching the movie. It ended up actually being a really good movie. Uplifting. It makes you think about your own life. What you want to change and who you want to be. It's one of those movies that make you analyze yourself and then think about what you could be doing. But not in the wow I'm doing nothing with my life and I'm just boring sort of way, but instead of the I can do whatever I want to do and I can change what I want to change empowering sort of way. The main character makes a speech about how she's going to eat what she wants to eat. Not to become obese, but just rid herself of the guilt of having an extra brownie. She said something along the lines of "When is the last time a man turned you down when you took off your clothes for him? Right. He doesn't care. You're naked." Now I'm not saying to go get naked for a man, I'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't worry so much. There's a couple other quotes I liked:

"If you could clear you all that space in your mind, you would have a doorway. And you know what the universe would do? Rush in."

"Americans. You work too hard, you get burned outYou come home and spend the whole weekend in your pajamas in front of the T.V.But you don't know pleasure. You have to be told you've earned it."

"Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself."

"You're going to have to learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes every day. Now that's a power that you can cultivate. You want to come here and you want to control your life so bad work on the mind, and I don't think you should be trying to control a thing because if you can't master your thoughts you are in trouble forever."

"Ruin is the road to transformation." 

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. I just needed to get a few things out and organized.