I've got a confession to make. I'm a mess. I've been a mess ever since we got back from Chattanooga. I'm hiding this from you because you're such a good person and I want this to work. But I've been on the brink of tears everyday. I cried yesterday driving to church. I cried today talking to my friend from home. I'm crying as I write this. I don't cry. It's very rare.
You've done so much for me, and you'll never really realize how much that means. You've showed me there is such a thing as a good guy. That I can trust someone. People may let you down in little areas, but when someone really cares about me, I'm allowed to trust them. I trust you with my life (figuratively and literally). I've had so much fun with you. But that's not going to change. I won't let it. I want to still be able to have fun with you.
I want you to know how much I care about you. I want you to know that I'm not going to lose you. I don't want to. We may have to be no more than friends, but I want you to be my best friend. I want to be able to have inside jokes. I want to be able to tickle you and make stupid faces. I want to share laughs and problems. I want to be friends in 20 years. I want to tease you about your Star Wars books, your laugh, and your stupid tags. I want you to make fun of my height, and how I never make sense, and how I can't concentrate on one thing for more than two seconds. I want to be close to you, I just can't be this close. I can't be like this and not be able to share half my life with you. We don't see eye to eye. I can't be the person that I need to be when I'm living a life that's divided. Who knows where our future is going, but I want you to know that I love you and I don't want to hurt you. I want you to know how much I wanted this to work out.
This is killing me. I want you to understand.
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