"There's butterflies flying and spiders crawling."

(in the silence between us)

Psalm 146:3

"Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." 

"Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save."  "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." 

Patience

"...We must be willing to be honest with him and with ourselves about the true nature of our souls -- our sorrows, our desires, our dreams, our fears, our deepest and scariest hopes. To invite Jesus to come and walk with us there, to remove from our hearts the things that are getting in the way of our loving. We do not always get what we want, but that doesn't mean that we no longer want. It means we stay awake to the unmet longing and ache. Wait there. Invite Jesus to come, there.  And he will come. Not always to satisfy us by giving us what we want. But to come himself; to meet us with his very Person and to satisfy us with himself. To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet if Christ himself was perfected through his sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me?" 

-- Excerpt from Captivating

Patience. Don't take things into your own hands. God wants you to wait on him. 

60 Candles

 

      

Happy Birthday Aunt Joetta

Realizations

I've had some thoughts in the past couple days that had never really hit me as hard as they do now. You know that feeling when you really realize what something means and how it applies to your life? I'd maybe thought of them, but they never really meant that much to me before. Maybe these don't apply to you right now, or they don't hit you the same way they hit me. Anyway, I thought I'd share them with you.

1. God forgives you even when people don't. That's all that really matters.


2. Erasing the memory doesn't erase the emotion.


3. If you have no hope then you're not dreaming big enough.

Progression

 

Christmas Eve

Today is going to be magical.

I can't tell you how or why, but I just have one of those feelings that today is going to be really special. I hope so.


(Plus Santa is coming tonight, so of course it's going to be magical =P)

Wish List

This year the only thing I'm asking Santa (...or God) for is to have a normal conversation with you. I want that more than anything right now (and I hate myself for that).






(Avoiding me doesn't fix anything.)

1 John 4:7-8

"Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

This is why I could never date someone who isn't a Christian.  

Thank you, Taylor Swift.

"I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say, "they're the lucky ones"
I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on
Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fall out
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now
Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes
And trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me
Oh, we're scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
'cause we're going down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now."


Oh Taylor, you always know how to say exactly what I never could.

Why can't we just be friends?

This question seems to have multiple meanings in my life at the moment.

I want this someday

I only know this is real because of them.

Love and miss you Grandma and Grandpa.

Screw You, Satan.

"Back off, or, Leave her alone, or, You don't really want to go there -- she'll be too much for you is something Satan has set against every woman from the day of her birth. It's the emotional and spiritual equivalent of leaving a little girl by the side of the road to die. And to every woman he has whispered, You are alone, or, When they see who you really are, you will be alone, or, No one will ever truly come for you." -- Excerpt from Captivated by John and Stasi Elderedge. 

This is something we all know as girls, but we never talk about it. In not talking about it we think that every one else is living a perfect life and we don't want to be the one girl with a problem. Well Satan is really our only problem. I know that at the beginning of the year, I was going through a really rough time.  I'd been talking to a guy for awhile but he constantly needed so much from me and was rarely there when I needed something from him. It was definitely a one-sided friendship made even more complicated by the fact we had feelings for each other but I was sent off to college. This broke me down a lot along with the fact that I felt alone. I was in a completely new place where I knew no one and I felt like all my friends back home were too busy to talk to me or to listen to my problems. I started on a downward spiral and did a lot of things that just wasn't like me. Finally I hit a rock bottom and realized that I needed to get back on track. I couldn't hear God anymore and I needed to be able to. I became more involved in my church and started the process. I came home three times in between then and now (fall break, halloween, and Thanksgiving). Each time the only thing I wanted to do was hang out with my best friend, but this was difficult considering the guy who I'd been talking to at the beginning of the year was her older brother and he refuses to speak to me. I got to hang out with a bunch of my other best friends, but it just hurt that she seemed so determined to not hang out with me. Each time I came home, I only got to see her in groups of people even when I told her that I wanted to just hang out with her. It really hurt and pushed that feeling of "You're a terrible person. No one understands you or wants to be around you. You're alone." back into my heart. This time when I came home though, she was excited to see me and we hung out the first day I was back -- just me and her. She told me that she had been favoring her brother but now she was done with that. He's had time to heal and she wants to be able to hang out with me again. I realized that she wasn't avoiding me, she just didn't know how to handle her brother's feelings and in trying to help him she was accidentally hurting me. Men aren't the only ones who can make girls feel terribly alone (although they do a good job of it), but our best friends can also. Best friends are the only ones who can help when you're going through a rough time, we need them. I'm thankful that God gave me such good friends who I know will always be there for me. These doubts that have been put in my mind are ridiculous, of course my best friend understood what I was going through. Of course she wasn't going to leave me alone forever. I know these things now, so screw you Satan. My friends are awesome.

you.

How do you tell someone that the problem is them?

Not because they're a bad person,

they're just not what you need right now.

No matter how much you wish that they were. 

Confessions

I have a really hard time saying no to people.

I HATE making other people upset, sad, frustrated. I'll do anything to keep/make other people happy. This gets me into trouble a lot.

I wish I could redo my first two months of college. I've never really had regrets before.

I often think about how I want my kids to be much better people than I am.

I'm terrible at trusting.

People can hurt me a lot easier than they know. I'm actually pretty sensitive.

I'm not good at showing emotions.

I very rarely cry; I normally only cry when I'm frustrated.

I'm very independent. I have a hard time depending on other people, even God.

I get jealous REALLY easily.

I don't feel like I'm worth much in a guy's eyes.

I've recently developed an obsession with my weight. It comes with being a flyer and having one guy lifting you. And the tiny uniforms that fit everyone else except me.

I'm obsessed with chocolate and ice cream. This doesn't help the whole weight thing.

I like pretending that my life is a fairy tale, or a movie. It makes me believe in a happy ending.

Recently I've started thinking of my journey with God as an adventure. It makes everything so much more exciting.

I love working with middle schoolers at my church. Probably because middle school was the worst years of my life and I want to be there for those kids.

I can't wait to go back and work Triple C/Blitz this summer. 

I don't really feel like I fit in with any one crowd of people.

I love going home. I love it at Elon too though.

If I don't get six hours of sleep, stay clear away. I get pretty grumpy. 

I shouldn't have drunken tea before I tried to go to bed, now I'll be up for awhile.

I try to read my Bible every night before bed. Sometimes I forget though. I have yet to find a good devotional book. I've been looking for awhile.

I miss my friends from home, I miss the way things used to be, I miss my home church.

I absolutely love my new church here. I love the people too. I can't wait to get to know them better.

I miss doing art. I haven't had time in awhile.

I really need to go to sleep.

There's someone who I hurt, who also hurt me. But the one thing I want more than anything right now is to talk to this person.  That's probably what this whole thing is really about.

Beautiful

"I want to be beautiful

And make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart

And be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

I just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful."

-- Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful"

Sometimes songs say things better than I do

The Little Things

Messages

Yesterday being Sunday, I spent a lot of time listening to people talk about God. I always love that, but for some reason yesterday I felt like a few of the things I heard were really placed on my heart. I want to share them, not only so that you can read them, but also so that I'll remember them.

In church service yesterday morning we started a series called "All in the Family", which is ironic because I'm pretty sure we did the same series at Community also. My pastor was talking about how the relationship with your spouse should come second to your relationship with God. I knew this and I've heard it a hundred times but then he said, "You're not going to be married forever, things will be different in Heaven. Marriage isn't eternal, but God is." I've read the story where Jesus is asked if a woman is married seven times, who will she be married to in Heaven and he responds that in Heaven, marriage won't matter. I guess it just never really hit me before. We live in a society so consumed with getting married. Little girls start dreaming about their wedding and their "Prince Charming" before they even turn five. Kids start "dating" in elementary and middle school. But it all really doesn't matter. It's not going to last. Yes, I'd like to get married someday, but after hearing this sermon, I realized that it's really not as important as our society makes it out to be. Our number one desire should be God's happiness, not how happy we make the person that we decide to spend our life on Earth with.

Yesterday night I went to Renew (the college ministry at my church) and Brad was talking about confession. Confession is something I've learned a lot about considering I was Catholic for the first sixteen years of my life. Last night, he said something that struck me though. (Two epiphanies in one day! hahahh) He said that a lot of the time we learn to justify our sins so that they make sense to us. It's something he just said in passing, but it made me really start thinking. I always take notes as I listen to sermons, so I began to work this idea out in my journal. I wrote down, "Imagine someone else committing your sins, how do you think about them now?" Sometimes we judge others more harshly than we judge ourselves because we can't see their emotions and reasons behind their actions. We should learn to look at our actions and not our emotions behind them, when we start looking at our emotions we start to justify our sins.

Lastly, I was reading "Crazy Love" before I went to bed and there's a couple quotes I want to share:

"People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress."

Can you remember the last time you put yourself in danger for God? I can't. I wish I could.
He also tells a story about his wife's grandmother

"As I said before, my wife's grandma Clara offered a real-life example of a person consumed with Jesus. I once attended a play with my wife and some of her relatives, including Grandma Clara. During intermission, I leaned over and asked what she thought of the play. She said, "Oh honey, I really don't want to be here right now." When I asked why, she replied, "I just don't know if this is where I want to be when Christ returns. I'd rather be helping someone or on my knees praying. I don't want Him to return and find me sitting in a theater." I was shocked by her answer."

Nine hours of sleep

I got nine hours of sleep last night. NINE! I haven't done that in forever. I had to sacrifice eating pizza and watching "40 year old virgin" with my friends, but I feel so good right now. I've got a lot to do today also, so it's nice that I got so much sleep.

There's this weird thing happening. I'm starting to feel like I don't fit in with my friends here. I mean I guess that's a good thing because I've been praying that God gives me Christian friends, but you know, no one ever wants to be lonely even if it's for a short time. I know He's got a plan and it's all going to turn out wonderfully, I just need to trust. I hung out with a bunch of the college kids from my church after the "Youthquake" service (the middle school service I'm helping out with)  on Wednesday and that was crazy fun. I'd like to have some Christian friends who actually go to Elon though. I just keep having to remind myself to trust.

Post Halloween

So it's two days after Halloween and I'm left with candy coming out of my ears and five more pounds to lose (for cheerleading...I don't think I'm obese hahah). All the sugar isn't helping my ADD either. I haven't been able to sit down for even a solid hour without becoming distracted. That's how I ended up on here. I don't really have anything interesting to say. Today has bee a pretty normal day so far, except it's REALLY cold. It's that bitter cold that you just can't escape from unless you're taking a hot shower. But seeing as I can't stand in a shower all day, I'm just bundled up in my room trying to get some homework done.
I got a package from my Aunt today. More candy. Hahah. But it's alright, because I just love getting packages, no matter what is in them. It's like getting an unexpected present for no reason.
My best friend here broke up with her boyfriend last night. It's been awhile coming but it's still really hard on her. I've been trying to do little things to cheer her up because I know how hard this can be. I wish I could do more though. It reminds me of that Tom Cruise movie, "Vanilla Sky", where they just erase each other from their memories. Sometimes I wonder if there's someone I'd erase from my memory. Probably not, but it's a fun idea to entertain anyway.
I'm pretty much just procrastinating right now.

Home

I love being home so much. Ever since I've been gone, I've appreciated it so much more. I do everything I would've done when I was five years old -- make cookies, sleep in my Christmas pajamas, and watch Beauty and the Beast. I absolutely love it. Getting to see my family is amazing.
I've gotten to see a bunch of my friends too because I'm here working Fright Night. I haven't gotten to hang out with my best friend this time or last time I was home which I'm kinda disappointed about, but I've gotten to hang out with my other best friends. But sometimes there's just that one person you need, you know? 

Ducks

Today I got out of class early. That means I was done with classes by 9:00 AM. Thursdays are definitely my favorite for that reason. So I came back to my dorm and did some required reading lying in my bed and eventually ended up taking an hour long nap until my alarm went off playing "Wonderful Cross" which I've set as an attempt to give me a reason not to hit snooze in the morning. I did some more homework then went and grabbed a smoothie with Sarah and watched her carry a huge care package all the way back to her room. Her mom basically sent her a box full of cans. hahaha. So then I made some microwave pasta and finished up a bit more homework. Then came the fun part of my day. I grabbed the ends (and one good piece) of my new loaf of bread and headed over to Lake Mary Nell again. I wrote Michaela a letter (which I know I'm going to forget to mail for a couple days) and just sat on one of the swings for awhile. Finally I decided to pull out the bread and wake up the ducks who had been sleeping under one of the trees. I easily lured them back to the swing. They were so excited I almost stepped on a couple of them. They still make me laugh at how excited and friendly they are. They were very curious about my camera too. A couple even bit it trying to figure out what it was. I kind of got stuck behind my camera for a few minutes and when I finally looked up I realized one of the swans had come over to check things out. That's the closest I'd ever seen any of the swans to a human before. It was pretty cool. He wasn't even excited about the bread, he just wanted to check things out. So I spent WAY too much time playing with these ducks and taking pictures of them. But it was definitely worth it. After that I had practice which was really frustrating because we still haven't gotten lib down. It's mostly my fault, so it's extra frustrating. We should definitely be able to hit it. Oh I should probably explain that I'm a cheerleader on the coed team at Elon University for all of you who don't know me too well.  I'm a new flyer though -- I was always a base. Anyway, we should totally be able to hit lib by now. Matt's strong enough and I've done them with Hampton before.  Hopefully we'll get it soon though.

I have so many of these pictures, but I won't bore you guys right now.

<3

I’m not a good writer, but sometimes you just have to write.

I’m normally more of a visual person so writing is a pretty foreign concept to me. Words never seem to come out like I plan them to. They’re always all rearranged and misspelled (I’ve used spellcheck twice so far) but recently I’ve felt the need to write. Not so that anyone will read it, just so that I can get it out. In fact, I’m not sure that I’m even going to tell any of my friends I’ve made a blog. Maybe it’ll just be for me and all the strangers who happen across it.

Anyway today has been a rather relaxing day in spite of things. I went to my two classes this morning, got a salad for lunch and ate it while venting to my mother over the phone. Then I had a meeting with my philosophy teacher (aka. peter pan meets aristotle — girl version). That took literally about five minutes. Afterwords I walked down to Lake Mary Nell and found the ducks. I’d brought the ends of my loaf of bread which they rather enjoyed. They tried to bite my fingers off a couple of times. Good thing ducks don’t actually have teeth or I’d be hurting right now. So basically I sat with the ducks for about an hour laughing at how they were acting like dogs. I kept getting weird looks from people passing by who saw me giggling to myself. But you would’ve laughed too. I promise. Feeding the ducks is probably my new favorite thing to do. I think I’m going to try and stop by again on Thursday, this time I’ll bring my camera and try to get some good pictures of them. After I ran out of bread I just sat on one of the swings by the lake and read for awhile. The ducks all fell asleep. Around 2:45 I headed over to one of the coffee shops on campus and treated myself to a white mocha and worked on a paper for a bit. I love how the coffee shop always has good music playing. Old stuff, like Frank Sinatra. That’s my favorite to hear in a coffee shop. I’m back in my room now. I should be doing homework because I have practice in about an hour. Oh well. 

I started reading this book. It’s called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It had been recommended to me by numerous people and now I see why. I didn’t think it would tell me anything new. I don’t know why I always assume to know everything, especially about something so complex. Of course I’m learning new things like crazy. I love seeing other people’s thoughts. Francis knows God. I want a relationship like that too. I’ve been messing up a lot recently, but I think I’m finally getting back on track. 

Hold me to that.

There’s a quote from the book that’s been governing my thought today. It’s really helped me a lot, so I’ll share it with you…

“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. Stress say that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.”

God is powerful enough and he loves us enough to take our worries and our stress away if we just trust Him. So what are we holding on to them for??