Monday, February 28, 2011

Let's talk about the weather.

It was a perfect day for a thunderstorm. The kind of day that starts out warm and sunny and then all of a sudden it's dark, the temperature drops, and the wind picks up. Your hair starts blowing into your face and you don't even try to keep it under control because you know it's about to storm. But it's okay. It's one of those days that it's just supposed to rain. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Small Group

Last night at small group we started off talking about "togetherness" and "community". Shannon read a quote about how Christian community shouldn't happen because of loneliness, but it happens because we need a place to share our wounds. We need people to help our wounds heal . People who won't turn away from us because of what we've done because they know who we really are. One by one, we all ended up coming clean of our deepest secrets. Wounds that have been eating away at us and dragging us down. Some things that were confessed last night had never been confessed to anyone before. It was amazing to see everyone open up and everyone cry. It was such a healing experience, I'd never experienced something like that before. It was amazing. God is so good and I'm so glad he put these girls into my life. After last night I feel like confessing to these girls lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. I don't have to pretend to be perfect anymore. They know that I'm not and they still love me. In fact I found that two other girls in my group had almost the same exact story as me. I am not alone. WE are not alone. That is a great feeling. Thank you Lord for giving me these girls to grow with.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sororities

It's time for a little bit of venting. Sororities are absolutely ridiculous. Think about it. Girls sign up and pay money to go through "rushing" in which they visit various sorority houses and then are judged based off of their looks and as much of their personality as the sorority members can find out in a half hour. If you don't seem to fit their "type" you're "dropped" and can't continue to pursue that sorority. If you're dropped from all of them, or all of your top choices then you're screwed. I've seen girls lose so much confidence just because they didn't get into the sorority they want to be in. They start to find imperfections they've never thought of before. They break themselves down. If you do end up winning the friendship contest and make it into a sorority then you have an automatic group of girls who you're required to like. You may actually hate these girls, but you're now "sisters" and at least pretend to like each other. You do everything together. I even have some friends who are getting physically ill because of how late they are required to stay at the sorority house every night doing secret stuff (that they're not allowed to really talk about). You also pay large amounts of money to acquire these friends and then are forced to kiss up to the older girls by decorating their doors, paying them visits, and buying them presents. Once you're officially accepted into the sorority your "big (sister)" gets you insanely drunk. The worst part is that people look forward to this night. The other day one of my friends said this exact sentence, "I'm going to diieee after initiation. I heard that last year only two of the girls didn't puke. I'm so excited." ....Excuse me? Yeah. Sounds exciting. On top of everything else the sororities pit their girls against each other. This is a problem for pre-existing friends who now enjoy to talk about each other behind their backs. Living in an all-girls dorm,  I've heard this happen countless times a day for the past two weeks. Its annoying to hear someone say things like, " _____ is so annoying. I can't stand to be around her. Her and the rest of ______ are all crazy. They're like a cult." Then they go and hang out with the girl and act like they're best friends. It's absolutely ridiculous. This whole thing is just ridiculous and everyone just seems to think it's completely normal. Take a step back and look at it. It's crazy.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Sleep Paralysis

Possibly one of the most terrifying things ever happened to me last night. My roommate has had this cough for like a week now, but last night she started having an especially bad coughing fit around 3 AM. At about 3:30 I got out of bed to get my ipod and listened to that for the next 45 minutes trying to drown her out. Finally she fell asleep but I was wide awake. around 5 I started falling asleep, but as I did I guess my body fell asleep and my mind didn't. I was literally paralyzed. All I could move was my toes. I fought so hard just to say my roommates name, but my teeth would only move a centimeter apart and no sound would come out. I could hear this buzzing noise that sounded like hundreds of people talking at the same time but I couldn't understand anything they were saying. After probably the longest ten seconds of my life I was able to mutter "Jenny". It was barely audible but it broke the spell and I was able to move again. Jenny didn't wake up. So I got out of bed and called my mom to see if I was dying, she told me to go back to sleep hahah. I googled "sleep paralysis" which I had remembered learning about in psychology junior year and realized that was exactly what was happening to me. The part I had never heard about in psychology was that some people believe that this happens because your soul hasn't returned to your body yet. These people weren't ancient Greeks either, they were mentioning God and his angels. I didn't really know if I believed that or not (and I still don't). Probably not, because I could still think I just couldn't move. But I got back into bed and read for about an hour. Around 6:30 I finally decided to go to sleep again. This time I woke up about a half hour later and as I was waking up, it happened again. The humming, the not being able to move. I was calmer this time, but it also lasted longer. Even though I knew what it was, I was still terrified. The feeling of just not being able to move, to be completely helpless. I snapped out of it again and fell back asleep. Needless to say, I skipped my 9:25 this morning and woke up at 11 making it a three day weekend for myself.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Action.

Sometimes there's just something you really want to do. You know that it'd be the right thing to do if you're going by the books but every time you get the chance to do it, you back out. Your feelings change. You feel guilty and think, "I should really end this." Even though what you're doing isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just makes things harder for you. But what happens when you're not strong enough? Do you give in or finally end it? It will have to end sometime, so why can't I just make it be now? How come every time I come within ten feet of you everything suddenly seems okay. I mean, Jesus didn't really do things by the books either, right? God had to give me these feelings for a reason. Did he give me these feelings? I'm so confused. I know that he brought you into my life for a reason, but you don't see that. Because you don't see him. And now I just don't know what to do