Confessions

I have a really hard time saying no to people.

I HATE making other people upset, sad, frustrated. I'll do anything to keep/make other people happy. This gets me into trouble a lot.

I wish I could redo my first two months of college. I've never really had regrets before.

I often think about how I want my kids to be much better people than I am.

I'm terrible at trusting.

People can hurt me a lot easier than they know. I'm actually pretty sensitive.

I'm not good at showing emotions.

I very rarely cry; I normally only cry when I'm frustrated.

I'm very independent. I have a hard time depending on other people, even God.

I get jealous REALLY easily.

I don't feel like I'm worth much in a guy's eyes.

I've recently developed an obsession with my weight. It comes with being a flyer and having one guy lifting you. And the tiny uniforms that fit everyone else except me.

I'm obsessed with chocolate and ice cream. This doesn't help the whole weight thing.

I like pretending that my life is a fairy tale, or a movie. It makes me believe in a happy ending.

Recently I've started thinking of my journey with God as an adventure. It makes everything so much more exciting.

I love working with middle schoolers at my church. Probably because middle school was the worst years of my life and I want to be there for those kids.

I can't wait to go back and work Triple C/Blitz this summer. 

I don't really feel like I fit in with any one crowd of people.

I love going home. I love it at Elon too though.

If I don't get six hours of sleep, stay clear away. I get pretty grumpy. 

I shouldn't have drunken tea before I tried to go to bed, now I'll be up for awhile.

I try to read my Bible every night before bed. Sometimes I forget though. I have yet to find a good devotional book. I've been looking for awhile.

I miss my friends from home, I miss the way things used to be, I miss my home church.

I absolutely love my new church here. I love the people too. I can't wait to get to know them better.

I miss doing art. I haven't had time in awhile.

I really need to go to sleep.

There's someone who I hurt, who also hurt me. But the one thing I want more than anything right now is to talk to this person.  That's probably what this whole thing is really about.

Beautiful

"I want to be beautiful

And make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart

And be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

I just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful."

-- Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful"

Sometimes songs say things better than I do

The Little Things

Messages

Yesterday being Sunday, I spent a lot of time listening to people talk about God. I always love that, but for some reason yesterday I felt like a few of the things I heard were really placed on my heart. I want to share them, not only so that you can read them, but also so that I'll remember them.

In church service yesterday morning we started a series called "All in the Family", which is ironic because I'm pretty sure we did the same series at Community also. My pastor was talking about how the relationship with your spouse should come second to your relationship with God. I knew this and I've heard it a hundred times but then he said, "You're not going to be married forever, things will be different in Heaven. Marriage isn't eternal, but God is." I've read the story where Jesus is asked if a woman is married seven times, who will she be married to in Heaven and he responds that in Heaven, marriage won't matter. I guess it just never really hit me before. We live in a society so consumed with getting married. Little girls start dreaming about their wedding and their "Prince Charming" before they even turn five. Kids start "dating" in elementary and middle school. But it all really doesn't matter. It's not going to last. Yes, I'd like to get married someday, but after hearing this sermon, I realized that it's really not as important as our society makes it out to be. Our number one desire should be God's happiness, not how happy we make the person that we decide to spend our life on Earth with.

Yesterday night I went to Renew (the college ministry at my church) and Brad was talking about confession. Confession is something I've learned a lot about considering I was Catholic for the first sixteen years of my life. Last night, he said something that struck me though. (Two epiphanies in one day! hahahh) He said that a lot of the time we learn to justify our sins so that they make sense to us. It's something he just said in passing, but it made me really start thinking. I always take notes as I listen to sermons, so I began to work this idea out in my journal. I wrote down, "Imagine someone else committing your sins, how do you think about them now?" Sometimes we judge others more harshly than we judge ourselves because we can't see their emotions and reasons behind their actions. We should learn to look at our actions and not our emotions behind them, when we start looking at our emotions we start to justify our sins.

Lastly, I was reading "Crazy Love" before I went to bed and there's a couple quotes I want to share:

"People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress."

Can you remember the last time you put yourself in danger for God? I can't. I wish I could.
He also tells a story about his wife's grandmother

"As I said before, my wife's grandma Clara offered a real-life example of a person consumed with Jesus. I once attended a play with my wife and some of her relatives, including Grandma Clara. During intermission, I leaned over and asked what she thought of the play. She said, "Oh honey, I really don't want to be here right now." When I asked why, she replied, "I just don't know if this is where I want to be when Christ returns. I'd rather be helping someone or on my knees praying. I don't want Him to return and find me sitting in a theater." I was shocked by her answer."

Nine hours of sleep

I got nine hours of sleep last night. NINE! I haven't done that in forever. I had to sacrifice eating pizza and watching "40 year old virgin" with my friends, but I feel so good right now. I've got a lot to do today also, so it's nice that I got so much sleep.

There's this weird thing happening. I'm starting to feel like I don't fit in with my friends here. I mean I guess that's a good thing because I've been praying that God gives me Christian friends, but you know, no one ever wants to be lonely even if it's for a short time. I know He's got a plan and it's all going to turn out wonderfully, I just need to trust. I hung out with a bunch of the college kids from my church after the "Youthquake" service (the middle school service I'm helping out with)  on Wednesday and that was crazy fun. I'd like to have some Christian friends who actually go to Elon though. I just keep having to remind myself to trust.

Post Halloween

So it's two days after Halloween and I'm left with candy coming out of my ears and five more pounds to lose (for cheerleading...I don't think I'm obese hahah). All the sugar isn't helping my ADD either. I haven't been able to sit down for even a solid hour without becoming distracted. That's how I ended up on here. I don't really have anything interesting to say. Today has bee a pretty normal day so far, except it's REALLY cold. It's that bitter cold that you just can't escape from unless you're taking a hot shower. But seeing as I can't stand in a shower all day, I'm just bundled up in my room trying to get some homework done.
I got a package from my Aunt today. More candy. Hahah. But it's alright, because I just love getting packages, no matter what is in them. It's like getting an unexpected present for no reason.
My best friend here broke up with her boyfriend last night. It's been awhile coming but it's still really hard on her. I've been trying to do little things to cheer her up because I know how hard this can be. I wish I could do more though. It reminds me of that Tom Cruise movie, "Vanilla Sky", where they just erase each other from their memories. Sometimes I wonder if there's someone I'd erase from my memory. Probably not, but it's a fun idea to entertain anyway.
I'm pretty much just procrastinating right now.